It’s hot as fuck I have a headache and am listening to this goo goo dolls LP I got.
Could be worse.
I’m a little late to read this, but Victoria swore to me that I should. It was pretty great.
I helped the homey with some design work and got severely hooked up today! Thanks @paramorirnacimos cheers!
You are talking yourself down as the automatic doors stick and finally give way.
Your heart falls to your feet while in the aisle of Walgreens, you pretend everything is cool and you kick it along as you walk atop the linoleum, you buy a coconut water with aloe chunks.
When you drink it you rub the chunks along the back of your teeth leading them with your tongue, you’ve already forgotten why you left the house in the first place.
Take a gulp of downtown air and believe that the glowing sky is a product of still water lingering in the air. Happy to be alive, happy to survive, happy that Walgreens is open 24 hours.
v cool. send a picture of the page!
v cool. send a picture of the page!
Today I’m feeling low, when I feel low I think of why I fall behind whats the pattern, its all a pattern, its all learned coping mechanisms. Time goes in a straight line, but I feel like I keep taking left turns and meeting my old self down that line. First thing I did was get a coffee and sat on a curb before work, every moment between sips was painful, like stinging feelings all over. My birthday is next month I’ll be 29 years old, I wonder if I’ll be able to hunt down the things that trap me, I wonder if I’ll be able to be comfortable with my decisions. I wonder if punk will still be annoying, but so utterly needed for my survival? I looked at the people lining up outside my work and thought “im smarter than the rest of you”, what a load of shit, I’m so fucked up, just some high functioning ball of confusion.
I drank my first cup of coffee at my first job because I thought that’s what people did when they started work. It was a ritual, a habit that all people practiced, a right of passage to the average working shitbag. I took a sip and I followed the warmth down inside a maze of hollowed tunnels finding pathways to organs spitting gas at the flames. That spark was calming. I started working telemarketing as a first job, my friends mom used to set up shows for his punk bands and friends, we’d see her around at the shows and joke about how much of a “babe” she was. One night we got a hold of her AIM account and sent her a message telling her she was a babe and that we all thought so, she laughed and asked us if we needed a job. She then became my boss.
I collected thoughts of doubt like a sticky fly trap, sending side smiles into the mirrors as I passed them, reflecting barrel chested swollen jointed unproportioned body dysmorphic thoughts. I would lean into mirrors and place the point of my forehead against it and look my body longways imagining how much “better” it looked at this angle.
I dropped out of school and started taking some college classes for no apparent reason. I hated high school I don’t know why I thought taking General Ed at a city college would be any different. Some of the people in my classes were so certain in the thought of college and work, I figure they just follow the path and don’t question its purpose. All I can do is question the path I’m in the thick always, questioning its purpose to control from the bottom of my mind I fish out reasons why these ways are wrong. I went to school from 7-1 then worked as a telemarketer, selling magazines to dumb fucks from 2-7. I’d eat Taco Bell and clif bars all day. I was 16 on the cusp of 17 drinking gallons of coffee for the purpose of an adult ritual. I’m not pretty far off now, I’m drinking a coffee and questioning my purpose.
This wreckless frame I have built, is faulty. I say wreckless and not reckless, but really who am I kidding its a wreck. I have been reading a lot about addiction and stigmas surrounding them, because people get discarded and denounced for being in recovery, the things they do are disregarded because of some BULLSHIT test of morality they have failed, honestly I look at my life as a STRAIGHT EDGE person and think of all my addictions and vices, we all follow the cycles WE ALL HAVE DESTRUCTIVE HABITS, IF WE ARE LUCKY THEY WONT KILL US.
Sometimes I walk through downtown and head through the dark and NEED to go see the “stephens meat products” neon sign. I need to see it flicker, I need to hear it hum, I need to see bugs flocking to it. The building was torn down years ago, they kept the sign, half the sign is not working and I fear its on its last leg. It’s been there longer than I’ve been alive, I am afraid one day I’m going to leave on tour and come home and it’ll be taken down and I honestly am unsure how I will take it, I feel like I would be sadder about the sign being gone than a family member dying. I have always found comfort in inanimate objects, I have cared for them more than most living things ever since I was young, always apologizing for the way they are treated and taken for granted. This is something I cant explain, how something so fucking dumb as a smiling pig sign is needed for me to stop feeling the rumble in my brain.
"THIS WRECKLESS FRAME" I’ve built.
Went quad skating for SUSIES birthday!